Thursday, January 6, 2011

Oh man.

Day one of the actual diet, and already it’s kicking my ass.  I knew I had become addicted to food, but this is ridiculous.  It’s much worse than I had anticipated.  This is definitely THE hardest day of dieting I have ever done.  Ever.  I assume because in the past, I wasn’t nearly as… involved… I guess… with food.

I’m chewing some gum right now, and it is helping a bit, but I wish I didn’t have to.  I hope eventually I won’t have to.  It is a bit scary, really, how I’m feeling right now.  I thought maybe writing about it would help.  I didn’t realize how much food had become my stress-reliever.  I  mean, I *knew* it was, logically speaking.  And I was anticipating difficulty with not stuffing myself all day, every day.

But this is insane.  As I’ve told my mom, and Matt, I *know* that there are healthy alternatives to food for stress relief.  I know that.  You know what the problem is? I can not just pack up and run on the treadmill whenever the kids are driving me nuts.  I can’t just go run a hot bath and relax.  I can’t pick up my favorite book and read for a while.  I can’t.  I have two babies that depend on me.  But do you know what I CAN do?  I CAN make a sandwich.  I can munch on some crackers. 

If I’m feeling bored, I can’t just go read, or watch TV, or go run a bath, or run a mile on the treadmill, or take a walk in the cold, or go shopping, or take a nap, or knit, or paint, or anything constructive, really.  You know what I can do is eat potato chips.  Oh, it’s so horrible. Sad smile

So here I am, and this is one of the slowest days of my life.  I hate this feeling, just wanting the day to be over, just wanting to go to sleep, because to be awake is horridly depressing.  The minutes are just crawling by…

And I can’t even make a drink to take off some of the edge.  But I have to do this, I have to.  I HAVE to figure out some way of relieving stress that doesn’t involve eating and drinking.  I just wonder how long I’m going to feel *this* bad.  I know eventually I’ll get used to it.  Eventually it won’t be so hard anymore.  Eventually I’ll see the results of all my hard work, and I will be freaking thrilled.  But this is very, very hard.

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