Day one of the actual diet, and already it’s kicking my ass. I knew I had become addicted to food, but this is ridiculous. It’s much worse than I had anticipated. This is definitely THE hardest day of dieting I have ever done. Ever. I assume because in the past, I wasn’t nearly as… involved… I guess… with food.
I’m chewing some gum right now, and it is helping a bit, but I wish I didn’t have to. I hope eventually I won’t have to. It is a bit scary, really, how I’m feeling right now. I thought maybe writing about it would help. I didn’t realize how much food had become my stress-reliever. I mean, I *knew* it was, logically speaking. And I was anticipating difficulty with not stuffing myself all day, every day.
But this is insane. As I’ve told my mom, and Matt, I *know* that there are healthy alternatives to food for stress relief. I know that. You know what the problem is? I can not just pack up and run on the treadmill whenever the kids are driving me nuts. I can’t just go run a hot bath and relax. I can’t pick up my favorite book and read for a while. I can’t. I have two babies that depend on me. But do you know what I CAN do? I CAN make a sandwich. I can munch on some crackers.
If I’m feeling bored, I can’t just go read, or watch TV, or go run a bath, or run a mile on the treadmill, or take a walk in the cold, or go shopping, or take a nap, or knit, or paint, or anything constructive, really. You know what I can do is eat potato chips. Oh, it’s so horrible.
So here I am, and this is one of the slowest days of my life. I hate this feeling, just wanting the day to be over, just wanting to go to sleep, because to be awake is horridly depressing. The minutes are just crawling by…And I can’t even make a drink to take off some of the edge. But I have to do this, I have to. I HAVE to figure out some way of relieving stress that doesn’t involve eating and drinking. I just wonder how long I’m going to feel *this* bad. I know eventually I’ll get used to it. Eventually it won’t be so hard anymore. Eventually I’ll see the results of all my hard work, and I will be freaking thrilled. But this is very, very hard.