Day 5

Whoot! I've made it through 4 days with no drinking, and staying on the diet! I've lost 9 pounds. That's insane! I'm feeling pretty good about it today, although I am physically exhausted. Went to bed way too late last night. I imagine that if I were well-rested, I'd be on cloud 9. :-)

Okay.

I made it through yesterday. I didn't drink, and I didn't stray from the diet at all.

It. Was. Hard.

Indescribably difficult. I can't believe I did it. I can't believe all the excuses I was coming up with in my head... anything, ANYTHING to just be able to eat or drink.

Today hasn't been quite as difficult. Still hard, and I think part of the reason that I don't feel *quite* as hopeless today is that I had a nap this afternoon, so it took some of the time out that I had to think about it. Still, it's nearing 7pm (bedtime is 8 for the kiddos), and I'm doing okay. It takes a ton of effort to not eat stuff.

And let me just say that I am so, so, so glad I got rid of all the booze in the house. I couldn't make a drink even if I wanted to. (which I do, lol) It would take some serious effort to get alcohol right now. Good thing, too.

So I made it through day 1. Day 2 is almost over, and I think I'll succeed today. I've no excuse now... I mean, if I made it through the HELL that was yesterday, then I have no excuse to not make it today. If I'm strong enough to not stray yesterday, then I'm certainly strong enough to not stray today.

My NP girlies really helped me yesterday. I honestly don't know if I could have done it if I hadn't had their support and encouragement.

Oh man.

Day one of the actual diet, and already it’s kicking my ass.  I knew I had become addicted to food, but this is ridiculous.  It’s much worse than I had anticipated.  This is definitely THE hardest day of dieting I have ever done.  Ever.  I assume because in the past, I wasn’t nearly as… involved… I guess… with food.

I’m chewing some gum right now, and it is helping a bit, but I wish I didn’t have to.  I hope eventually I won’t have to.  It is a bit scary, really, how I’m feeling right now.  I thought maybe writing about it would help.  I didn’t realize how much food had become my stress-reliever.  I  mean, I *knew* it was, logically speaking.  And I was anticipating difficulty with not stuffing myself all day, every day.

But this is insane.  As I’ve told my mom, and Matt, I *know* that there are healthy alternatives to food for stress relief.  I know that.  You know what the problem is? I can not just pack up and run on the treadmill whenever the kids are driving me nuts.  I can’t just go run a hot bath and relax.  I can’t pick up my favorite book and read for a while.  I can’t.  I have two babies that depend on me.  But do you know what I CAN do?  I CAN make a sandwich.  I can munch on some crackers. 

If I’m feeling bored, I can’t just go read, or watch TV, or go run a bath, or run a mile on the treadmill, or take a walk in the cold, or go shopping, or take a nap, or knit, or paint, or anything constructive, really.  You know what I can do is eat potato chips.  Oh, it’s so horrible.

So here I am, and this is one of the slowest days of my life.  I hate this feeling, just wanting the day to be over, just wanting to go to sleep, because to be awake is horridly depressing.  The minutes are just crawling by…

And I can’t even make a drink to take off some of the edge.  But I have to do this, I have to.  I HAVE to figure out some way of relieving stress that doesn’t involve eating and drinking.  I just wonder how long I’m going to feel *this* bad.  I know eventually I’ll get used to it.  Eventually it won’t be so hard anymore.  Eventually I’ll see the results of all my hard work, and I will be freaking thrilled.  But this is very, very hard.

Here we go again…

Except this time I have a LOT more to lose.  Oy.  0lbs down, 55 pounds to go.  On day 2 of hcg diet.  It’s not as scary or painful as I thought it would be to do the injections.  Today is the last “loading” day, then tomorrow starts the actual low-calorie bit. 

Oh please, please, please let this be it.  Let this be the last time I have to lose weight.  I lost 45 pounds in 2009, then gained it back, and thensome.    

I’ve learned that the only thing I can be sure if is my resolve, right NOW.  I have no idea how I’ll feel in 6 months, or a year.  I’m terrified that for some bizarre reason, I’ll stop caring again.  And gain it all back.  Again.  It’s very easy for me to say right now that when I finally lose all this weight, I’ll appreciate it and never, ever gain it back.  Well, then, why have I already done that?!  Hmm?!  Ugh.

So, I’ll be doing the 23-day hcg diet (although I have 27 injections-worth, so I may just go 27 days), and then six weeks after that, I’ll do another round, if I can stand it.  Once I get down low enough, I think I’ll do weight watchers again.  I don’t know.  I guess I’ll worry about that when I get to it.